you were once
the star in my heart.

i still can’t believe that you’re gone because
i still hear your voice
and i still see your face
everywhere.

i thought that i’m already okay
but listening to people talking about you
chokes me up again
and then i try to hide
and to repress the feeling
and wipe away those tears
and reminding myself that you’re okay now
you’re okay now.

i still feel that
i have taken your presence for granted because
the day i left
i think that i will still hear your voice
your soothing voice
and the beautiful songs you wrote
beautiful but sad songs you wrote
and your dino face
your bright dino face, smiling

and all the what ifs still playing in my head
what if
what if
what if
what if i stayed.

will it make a difference?

i didn’t know that you have left such an impression in my life
i didn’t know that you’re already a part of my life (i’m lying i know)
and when you lose it
it hurts
and it still hurts
but
but
but

but i know that you didn’t want us to hurt anymore.
but we know we know we know yet it still hurts.
i’m sorry.

and i’m still feeling sorry for a lot of things i don’t know whether i have to feel sorry or no.

for that, i’m sorry too.

i don’t know if i miss you or no
i mean,
it feels like you’re still here
but you’re not and
every time i realize that
i still feel like crying

happy birthday, love.
i remember the day i’m so happy to find that our birthday is just one month apart, and from that day i always remember your birthday.

so happy birthday, my love,
may you shine brightly
brightly brightly brightly
blindingly,
may we meet again in another time and space.

i miss you.

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#blonoteone

Maybe because there’s no more
holding hands
and this winter is so cold
without your fingers intertwined with mine and the
snow keep falling

I saw the first snow
alone, unlike all those years
as my clenching fists slowly turned white

That day,
I wander around trying to understand and
stopped by a small shop
as my eyes look around and I found
a pair of black wool gloves
that reminds me of
you?

Unconsciously
I bought it
my very first pair
for this winter
maybe deep down I know that I’d need it
because there’s no longer
you?

After years,
I still love winter
in a different way
a beautiful, strange way
because every winter without you
I’ll buy a pair of mittens,

and cry.




Prompt:

After you left me,
I bought my first pair of mittens.

Radio writing staff Kim Jae Yeon’s
Blonote p. 58-59


(Random things I wrote months ago for the forgotten project about writing with prompt from Blonote but since today is Epik High’s 14th anniversary and the release of their 9th album We’ve Done Something Wonderful, I decided to post this. Prompt chosen by randomly opened the book – hope I could write another. Wish me well.) 

maybe,

maybe, it’s all because of love.

when tauriel betrayed her kin and go straight for kili. when legolas followed tauriel wherever she goes, protecting her at all risk — even if that means he’s no longer a prince. when thorin march to ravenhill wanting to kill azog, protecting his bloodlines and people. when thranduil decided to fall back to lothlorien, leaving the dwarves behind once again, because he wants to protect his kin. when bard taking the chances, become the leader of the city after smaug destroyed it, all for protecting his kids. when bilbo running here and there — although all the things that happened isn’t his fault at all — just because he grow fonder of the company; the dwarves, elves, wizards, men, hobbits, pretty much everything in middle-earth.

i wonder how does it feel; truly loving someone (or something).

 

 

just a silly insight i got after rewatching the hobbit: the battle of five armies. fyi: i’m kinda obsessed with the middle-earth universe nowadays. #teamtolkien

#4

Campur aduk. Disatu sisi ingin mengumpat, di sisi lain ingin memberi semangat. Bangga tapi ingin mencela. Itu aku,
dan aku masih begitu,
maka aku tahu semua berulang karena itu,
kontradiksi
dan
ironi.

Mungkin semuanya terjadi memang alasannya adalah
aku
aku
dan aku.
Makanya tidak ada perubahan berarti,
datang dan pergi lagi dan lagi.

Daya tarik menariknya mungkin sudah meluntur,
ketika aku tahu hal ini dan itu.
Dan yang bernama hidup datang
sampai pada satu hari,

aku sudah lupa rasanya menyisipkanmu dalam doa.
(salahku, lagi.)

 

(Atribusi internal sedang menguat.)

#daythree: Red

Warm liquid dripping on the floor, the time
she started to make some cut for
stopping the noises in your head,
she feels like cutting bread instead
Look, it’s strawberry jam!
one lick for every damn
Sweet, sour, salty,
kinda ironic.

The taste of your skin that
makes her feel so alive,

see you tomorrow, at five.

[day three: skin]

#daytwo: Land Faraway

a princess, the knight told me

lonely as she never should be
on a cloudy night, he promises
“vow to me, then i shall never
end up like the last endeavor,”

lies after lies that she was sick of
entrusted to the words called love
that very night the knight surprised me
toning down the story he didn’t even see
ending, a happy ending
ransacked, torn apart, dying

 
 

[day two: gift, acrostic]

#dayone: Distant

i hate it when
my screen goes bright
a sudden pop up
but it’s not your name

i hate it when
my screen goes blur
puddles in my eyes
i’m trying to inhale

i hate it when
my screen goes dark
and there’s no way
to revive it again

[day one: screen]

I Guess I’m All Alone Again.

What is home?

What does it feels like to be home?

I forgot, I forgot it all.

Even in the place I should call as home,

I don’t feel it anymore.

Where do I belong?

I don’t feel like I’m home.

Where do I belong?

I long for the feels, the old feeling

the feels that I belong somewhere.

That people needs me.

That I actually feel like I belong there.

What is home, actually?

They said home is where the heart belongs,

but where,

where is my heart.

I didn’t know anymore.

I need to feel needed.

I need

you.

No,

I need

to be

needed.

But now that you don’t need me anymore,

I lost my home.

little white space

little white space

I wonder if the reason for this wandering is because
There is no home, or there is nowhere to go
Or is it that there are lots of places to go
But no one to wait for me?

— Tablo ft. Naul: Airbag

So Please Just Eat, Because I Love You.

Eat.

Because you need to restore your energy.

To face another tough day.

Eat.

Because it will be less lonely

when you munch your crisp.

Eat.

Because your lemon candy

can make someone’s day brighter.

Eat.

Because your water bottle

isn’t enough to help you run away.

Eat.

Because it will help you

to think late at night, those dreams.

Eat.

Because this chocolate pudding

will reminds you of me.

little white space

(My current healing song. At least, there’s someone out there who cares.)

little white space

P.S.: It’s in Korean, I know. Just read the English caption,
the lyrics and melody are absolutely beautiful– along with the music video
(and Zion.T’s voice of course, duh.)
This song will grow on you. Give it a chance.