One way or another, it breaks me again.

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Persimpangan. Akhir atau
awal. Saat dimana meragukan diri terasa
nikmat namun berat. Saat menimbang-nimbang
keputusan, saat tidak tahu apa yang benar dan
apa yang salah. Abu-abu. Saat dimana tahu bahwa
ini adalah kesempatan terakhir, mau tak mau, maka
tantang dirimu. Tapi, tapi, tapi. Banyak sekali tetapi.

Tapi yang penting, apakah niat untuk berjalan sudah benar adanya,
atau banyak kisikan-kisikan yang pada akhirnya akan tinggalkanmu jua?

it ain’t pretty.

My 2015 ain’t pretty. It was full of up and downs. It ain’t pretty at all.

I didn’t pay much attention to the things I do in 2015. I let time flows without enjoying it as much as I can, without making memories, without calculating it. I spent too much. I can never buy it back.

I know I should be grateful, but this post is not about gratefulness. It’s about regret, it’s about being sad at the end of the year, realizing you didn’t do that much. Throwing away all the chances that could be yours, all the illusionary moment.

Oh yes, me in 2015 is the pessimist!self, the negative!self, all the badthings!self. Doing my self-analysis for Personality Theories class, I realize that even the littlest thing you do could influence you, whether it’s good or bad. I’ve been doing things without thinking that much, suppressing it consciously, until at some point I just want to explode.

And at the end of the day in 2015, I had a major heartbreak (lol) that unexpectedly, didn’t break me as bad I think. Then I realize that deep down I know, I know it was happening from a long, long time ago.

And from that moment, I know I have to give my all for 2016. You can do so much better Ta, so much better. From being more heedful to the things you do, joining activities that could improve yourself, more and more helping people (give and take, that’s it), GIVING YOUR ALL FOR THE HELLISH SIXTH SEMESTER, and so on. And so on.

So at the end of 2016, I could say that I have a pretty year.

#5

If it’s a broken part, replace it;
if it’s a broken arm, then brace it;
if it’s a broken heart, then face it.

Are the details in the fabric,
are the things that make you panic,
are your thoughts results of static cling?

Are the things that make you blow
hell, no reason, go on and scream;
if you’re shocked it’s just the fault
of faulty manufacturing.

Everything will be fine;
everything in no time at all,
hearts will hold.

having a bad weekend;
everything will be fine,

lyrics by jason mraz: details in the fabric.

#daythree: Red

Warm liquid dripping on the floor, the time
she started to make some cut for
stopping the noises in your head,
she feels like cutting bread instead
Look, it’s strawberry jam!
one lick for every damn
Sweet, sour, salty,
kinda ironic.

The taste of your skin that
makes her feel so alive,

see you tomorrow, at five.

[day three: skin]

#daytwo: Land Faraway

a princess, the knight told me

lonely as she never should be
on a cloudy night, he promises
“vow to me, then i shall never
end up like the last endeavor,”

lies after lies that she was sick of
entrusted to the words called love
that very night the knight surprised me
toning down the story he didn’t even see
ending, a happy ending
ransacked, torn apart, dying

 
 

[day two: gift, acrostic]

#dayone: Distant

i hate it when
my screen goes bright
a sudden pop up
but it’s not your name

i hate it when
my screen goes blur
puddles in my eyes
i’m trying to inhale

i hate it when
my screen goes dark
and there’s no way
to revive it again

[day one: screen]

I Guess I’m All Alone Again.

What is home?

What does it feels like to be home?

I forgot, I forgot it all.

Even in the place I should call as home,

I don’t feel it anymore.

Where do I belong?

I don’t feel like I’m home.

Where do I belong?

I long for the feels, the old feeling

the feels that I belong somewhere.

That people needs me.

That I actually feel like I belong there.

What is home, actually?

They said home is where the heart belongs,

but where,

where is my heart.

I didn’t know anymore.

I need to feel needed.

I need

you.

No,

I need

to be

needed.

But now that you don’t need me anymore,

I lost my home.

little white space

little white space

I wonder if the reason for this wandering is because
There is no home, or there is nowhere to go
Or is it that there are lots of places to go
But no one to wait for me?

— Tablo ft. Naul: Airbag

#3

I secretly get upset inside in a dark place
I somehow have pride so I can’t admit that I’m alone
Every morning, with the unsatisfactory bitter air
The fog in my heart covers the sunlight
Can you understand it?
Not at all.

— Akdong Musician: 안녕 (Don’t Hate Me)

Death Drive

Salah satu hal yang tercetus dari seharian di taman ria (baca: Dufan) kemarin– Thanatos (Death Drive) dari perkataan om Freud. Dorongan untuk mati, (kasarnya). Tidak akan menjelaskan konsepnya (karena sudah malam, malas menjelaskan, dan mau melanjutkan agenda lain– mungkin akan di edit nanti), hehe. Intinya,

kemarin melihat banyak sekali dorongan untuk mati, di sekitar. Sensasi yang dirasakan saat diputar, dihentak, dibolak-balik baik di darat, di udara, ataupun di antaranya– sensasi ‘mencicipi maut’. Karena walaupun memakai pengaman, sebenarnya yang diincar adalah rasa menang atas hal yang sebenarnya bisa membuat mati, tewas, meninggal? Pemikiran pribadi sih.

Lalu pikiran melantur sampai kepada rasa menang atas kematian. Oke skip.

Tapi, gue sendiri bukan (dan sepertinya tidak akan pernah jadi) adrenaline junkie, tidak pernah suka wahana-wahana seperti itu. Kemarin mencoba Alap-Alap yang kata semua orang tidak menakutkan, dan memang tidak sebegitu menakutkan (sebenarnya), tapi saat keretanya melaju kebawah, dihentak kiri dan kanan, it doesn’t feel good. Not a good sensation.

Lalu jadi berpikir, apa gue sebegitu menyukai hidup (Erosnya kuat sekali menekan Thanatosnya) sehingga gue tidak tertarik untuk mencicipi mati? Hm. Atau ya, sesederhana gue mengalihkan Death Drive gue ke hal-hal lain yang sebenarnya juga mendekati kematian, selain wahana-wahana yang berputar di langit itu?

Sepertinya sih, yang kedua.

P.S.: Murni pemahaman gue tentang Eros dan Thanatos, belum baca-baca lagi.

P.S.S: Good article, explaining Thanatos